Editor's Introduction: This week Sirius Science Fiction brings you a well-written, clever and entertaining tale that involves shape-shifting - and espionage!
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The
smell of the fertilizer the gardener was applying to the flowerbeds beneath the
open window was becoming a bit too distracting, so I flew down the hall to see
what was happening in the kitchen.
Gustav Seguin was playing World of Warcraft on the computer. If he had accessed his offshore accounts, he’d
done it before I was in the room. I
doubted he was going to check them anytime soon.
As
I did, the sweet smell of manure was replaced with the sweet smell of
cooking. Whatever it was, it smelled
delicious. The cook was adjusting the
temperature on the oven. I took
advantage of her back being turned to land in some spilled sugar.
Before
I tell you how I ended up in a Venus-Fly trap, allow me to introduce
myself. My name is Austen Glosser. I’m an agent of W.E.R.E.
# # #
I
hadn’t eaten all day, so I wasn’t paying attention the way I should have
been. The sugar really hit the spot.
Then
the flyswatter hit me.
Now
your ordinary housefly would have been an icky smudge in the sugar. Me, I’m made of sterner stuff. I’m not sure just what species of fly I
become when I shift, or if I’m even a known species, but I’ve reason to believe
there’s some tsetse fly in my makeup somewhere.
Those little guys are hard to smash.
I
took off, much to the surprise of the gardener.
I guess he’d come in for lunch or something.
I
headed straight for his face, coming in for a landing on his rather prominent
nose. His eyes crossed, and let me tell
you, it was something to see. My
compound eyes are better than a normal fly’s.
I still have the near-sighted vision and respond to movement and changes
in light pretty much way a fly does.
The
gardener’s eyes crossed, and he stumbled backwards as I zoomed in. Panicked, he swung the flyswatter back and
forth. It wasn’t hard to avoid him. He wasn’t aiming, just, well, swatting. I circled his head.
“What
are you doing, waving that nasty thing all over my kitchen?”
The
cook had turned around. She wasn’t
pleased.
I
flew behind her and landed on her rather ample rear end.
The
gardener fell over himself apologizing.
When Jacobsen had briefed me on this mission, he’d said they were
married. Consuela Martinez was both cook
and housekeeper, while her husband Felipe’ was the gardener and general
handyman. I guess I knew who wore the pants
in the family.
Consuela
turned back to take whatever she was baking out of the oven. Felipe’ saw me. His eyes widened to the point that I could
see them bug out. Really, bug eyes don’t
look good on humans. Trust me on this, I
know.
Felipe’
approached me with an exaggerated tip-toe walk.
It wasn’t as silent as he thought it was. And he kept waving the flyswatter back and
forth like he was winding up to take a swing at me.
But
I was ready for him. Tsetse flies have a
proboscis that packs a powerful sting.
Not all of my habits after I’ve shifted are those of a tse-tse fly, such
as what I eat and what smells attract me, but I do have the stinger. Just before Felipe’ struck, I plunged my
proboscis into Consuela’s right buttock.
She squealed, jumped higher than I thought a woman of her size could,
and put her hand in the place I had just occupied.
Right
as Felipe’ brought the flyswatter down on the same spot.
I
didn’t stick around to watch Felipe’ try to explain why he had just smacked his
wife on the butt. It was getting a bit
too unsafe for me. I flew to the back
door, crawled under the gap between the door and the doorsill, and flew off to
the woods behind the back yard where I’d hidden my clothes.
# # #
W.E.R.E
stands for stands for Weres and Elementals Recruited for Espionage. Yeah, I know, it’s not exactly something that’s
going to trip off the tongue. What do
you expect from some classified committee in the U. S. House of
Representatives?
Anyway,
W.E.R.E is a government spook agency, in more ways than one. If it’s clandestine, shady, or ethically
questionable, and it involves abilities normal government agents don’t have,
then W.E.R.E. is most likely involved.
Gustav
Seguin, the object of my current operation, was laundering money. He was a small fish, barely a minnow, in the
whole operation. But if we could get him
to crack, he was ours, and he could lead us to the bigger fish.
My
part in the whole scheme? Get the
access codes to the offshore accounts he was using and clean them out. Or at least get the codes to another
operative who would. Then someone else,
probably not connected to W.E.R.E., would approach him and offer to make a
deal, hopefully before the big fish came looking to make a meal of the
minnow. Protection in return for giving
up the people who would be looking to extract what they’re owed one way or the
other. Who says only the mob can make
offers that can’t be refused?
Jacobsen
wasn’t happy that I didn’t have the codes, but he wasn’t surprised. We knew that this operation might take a
little time. Seguin had some sort of hot
date that night, so I didn’t go back in.
Most college dropouts I’ve known usually end up in jobs that require
them to say a lot of words that begin with the letter “W” (“Would you like
fries with that?” or “Welcome to Wal-Mart.”).
They also tend not to have steady girlfriends. Seguin didn’t date the same girl twice.
I
slept in the next morning. Seguin wouldn’t
be getting up before noon. So just
before lunch, I slipped into the woods behind Seguin’s house, hid my clothes in
the hollow log I’d been using, and shifted.
Now
if my life were a Hollywood movie, this would be a big dramatic scene, probably
filled with disgusting special effects.
The reality is a bit different and a whole lot more dull. One minute I’m five feet, one inch tall with
perfect 20/20 vision. The next I’m
buzzing about seeing the world in all it’s compound glory, with colors I can’t
describe because you can’t see them.
The
windows were open once again, so I flew in through the kitchen. There was a fresh apple pie on the
counter. Consuela had set it out to
cool. Felipe’ was mowing the lawn, and I
could hear a vacuum cleaner further back in the house.
Now
apple pie is my favorite, something I just can’t resist. Weres are subject to instinct more than you
would think. And usually at the most
inconvenient times. I quickly shifted
back to my human form. I searched
through some drawers and found a fork. I
didn’t even bother to cut the thing, just dug in. I thought I would know if Felipe’ or Consuela
were approaching because I would hear either the vacuum cleaner or the mower
stop.
I’d
eaten about a third of the pie when I heard a shriek. Consuela was standing in the doorway. That’s what I get for thinking.
Of
course, it could have been worse. I
have, I mean I had, a friend named Tab, who was a werecat. He’d infiltrated the home of a Washington
madame. Then he got into catnip while a
high ranking Senator was in the house…
I
have no trouble imagining what Consuela saw, given that I have seen myself in a mirror.
A small naked man with a wiry build, covered in black, bristly hair,
bow-legged, with a nose worthy of Cyrano de Bergerac. The man standing in her kitchen had eyes that
seemed to pop out of his face. (I told
you I knew what I was talking about when I said that human eyes shouldn’t bug
out.)
She’d
caught me with a mouthful of pie, but as soon as I saw her, I stopped chewing.
We
stared at each other. She stood there
gasping with a hand pressed to her ample bosom.
I stood there hunched over the debris of her pie like I was about to
pounce on it. I started chewing again,
slowly and with a definite sideways motion to my jaw, while we continued
looking at each other. Other than that I
didn’t move until I’d finished chewing.
I
swallowed the mouthful of pie. Then I
shifted.
Consuela
screamed. Then she fainted.
I
flew to the ceiling to hide. Then Felipe’
came running into the kitchen a few seconds later.
From
my vantage on the ceiling, I could see the self-propelled mower move across a
flowerbed in the back yard. Felipe’ must
have locked the drive mechanism in place.
Felipe’
knelt on the floor and lifted his wife’s head to his lap. He gently patted her cheeks with his hand.
Consuela’s
eyelids fluttered, and then she opened her eyes.
“Oh,”
she gasped, her voice coming as a harsh exhalation of air. “He was horrible.”
“Who
was?”
“The
man.”
“What
man?”
“The
man who was just here. Oh, he was the
most hideous man I’ve ever seen.”
Felipe’
leaned back and regarded his wife. “I
didn’t see any man come into the house.
The front door is locked, and I would certainly have seen a man in the
backyard if he tried to enter the house.”
“He
was here. I came into the kitchen and he
was standing right over there, eating the pie.”
Felipe’
stood up, dropping Consuela’s head in the process. It hit the wood floor with a thunk. I knew it was going to leave a lump.
Felipe’
didn’t say anything, just grunted.
“He
was naked,” she continued, her voice barely more than a mumble. “And it was so big. The biggest I’ve ever seen.”
“What?”
said Felipe’. “What was the biggest you’ve
ever seen?”
Consuela
didn’t seem to hear his question. “I
didn’t know they could be so big.”
“Bigger
than mine?” Felipe’ was getting red in
the face.
Consuela
seemed to remember that he was still there.
“Of course bigger than yours.
Yours isn’t very big at all.”
Felipe’s
face grew even redder. I didn’t know it
was possible for a man to get that red in the face without having a heart
attack. Considering Felipe’s reaction, I
wasn’t sure that wasn’t what was happening.
“What. Do.
You. Mean?” Felipe’ was using a tone that probably would
have resulted in a duel a few hundred years ago.
“Your
nose, silly. What did you think I meant?”
“Oh.” Felipe’ looked relieved. “So where is this man?”
Consuela
struggled to her feet. “I don’t
know. He just vanished.”
“Vanished?”
“Yes.”
“Like
into thin air?”
“Yes,
Felipe’, like into thin air.”
Felipe’
waved his arms. “But men do not vanish
into thin air.”
“Well,
this one did. How do you explain the
pie?”
“What
pie?”
Consuela
staggered to her feet. “This pie.” She pointed to the remains of the apple
pie. I had dropped bits of it all over
the counter. We flies are not known for
being the cleanest of eaters.
Felipe
stared at the remains, made some hmm-ing sounds, and asked, “Are you sure you
haven’t been nipping at the brandy?”
I
took that as my cue to leave and headed for the dining room. I’m not clairvoyant, but I had a vision of
not being the only flying thing in the room in a few seconds. Sure enough, Felipe left the kitchen a minute
later with apple dripping off his ears and headed for his and Consuela’s suite
of rooms, presumably to shower.
# # #
I
headed to Seguin’s office to wait for him.
A sound passed under the window.
It seems the self-propelled mower was still propelling itself.
The
door was at one end of the office, where the desk was. The desk faced the length of the room. The room itself was long, almost but not
quite narrow, and occupied the corner of the house. The middle of the room contained some tables
with various games and books scattered across them. Shelves lined the inside wall between the
door to the room and what I presumed was a closet. Seguin had some plants at the far end where
they could catch the light coming in from the south-facing windows. I’ve never gotten excited about plants. They just aren’t that interesting in terms of
behavior.
Or
so I thought at the time.
I
took up my post on the wall behind Seguin’s desk, but close enough to the
window that I could fly out.
I
didn’t have long to wait. Seguin came
in, booted up the computer, and got to work.
There was an email that got his attention. He opened a second window and started doing
something. It looked like he was
transferring funds to his offshore accounts.
This was the big break we were waiting for. I just needed to distract him, get him away
from the computer long enough to get the information.
I
flew out into the hall, shifted, and knocked a vase off a shelf. It shattered on the hardwood floor with a
satisfying crash. I shifted back to a
fly and headed into the office.
And
immediately was caught in a glass.
Seguin was quick, but I didn’t realize just how quick. He’d scooped up a glass from his desk and
used it as an impromptu net. I flew
right into the bottom of the glass and bounced off. I turned around to see Seguin’s hand over the
top.
I
was stunned. I’d hit the glass
hard. Fortunately tse-tse flies are
tough. Unfortunately, Seguin was smarter
than I gave him credit for. What I
should have done was sting his hand.
While I was still gathering my wits about me, Seguin started shaking the
glass, bouncing me back and forth and preventing me from collecting myself
enough to fight back.
He
carried me towards the windows.
“Gotcha,
ya little bastard. I’ve seen you buzzing
around here the last few days. I don’t
see how there can be a connection to you and all the disruptions around here
the last week or so, but I’m not taking any chances.”
Last
week or so?
He
stopped at a row of plants, gave the glass an extra hard shake, and dumped me
out into a Venus flytrap. The petals
closed about me.
I
heard Seguin head out of the room, presumably to check on the crash I’d
caused. I had to get out of this plant,
and soon. Otherwise I was dead. So I shifted.
And
my life changed forever.
# # #
There’s
a lot we don’t know about Weres, like just about everything. Only half the stuff you hear in folklore
about people who can shift and take on the forms of animals is true, and even
most of that is inaccurate.
For
instance, up until this case I was working, no one thought that one Were in
close proximity to another could cause both of them to shift. We really don’t understand how shifting
happens in the first place. But no one
ever thought that one Were could shift another.
When
I shifted, I went from being embraced by a Venus flytrap to being embraced by a
very beautiful, very naked woman.
I
stared into the greenest eyes I’d ever seen, realized what I was looking at,
and screamed. At least I think I
did. Maybe she screamed. Or maybe we both did. I don’t know.
All I know is that I flew to my feet and backed up.
The
woman quickly hid herself behind an overgrown ficus. I jumped behind a fern.
“How
did you do that?” she asked. Her accent
was foreign, but I couldn’t place the nationality.
At
the same time I asked, “Where did you come from?”
We
looked at each other a few seconds before I said, “I just shifted, that’s
all. Where did you come?”
“I
was the flytrap. Where did you think I
came from? And how did you shift me to
my human form?”
“I
don’t know. Look, we don’t have a lot of
time. Shift back.”
“No. You’ve compromised my mission.”
“What
mission?”
“To
use Seguin to help bring down the cartel he’s working for.”
“Really?”
I said. I started to step out from
behind my fern and thought better of it.
The air in the room suddenly seemed too warm. “What organization are you with?”
“INTERWERE. Who are you with?”
I’d
never heard of INTERWERE, but it made sense.
Why should one government be the only organization to use weres?
“I’m
with W.E.R.E., a covert agency in the US government.”
“Ah,
I have heard of your organization.
Something of a startup, no?”
“No. We’re not, I mean we are not a startup.”
She
made a noise that in most cultures signaled disbelief.
“Listen,”
I said. “We’re on the same side
here. I’m trying to get access to Seguin’s
offshore accounts. Now that he’s out of
the room, let’s not waste time bickering.”
I
headed for the computer, modesty be damned.
The woman must have felt the same way, because she followed. Seguin had been thoughtful enough to leave
everything open. I could hear him
hollering to Consuela to sweep up the mess in between cursing the loss of the
vase. Seems it held his sainted mother’s
ashes.
I
opened the web browser and used it to open a special file transfer program, one
only W.E.R.E. agents had access to, and loaded a virus onto Seguin’s
computer. Within seconds the virus was
transferring all the data on the computer to a secure server somewhere in
eastern Montana. (No, I don’t know why
eastern Montana. Maybe because it’s the
last place anyone would think of?) I
closed the web browser.
My
job here was done. By the time Seguin
returned, his entire system would be compromised.
I
looked up and once again found myself gazing into a pair of green eyes
(eventually). I thought I could get used
to that.
“What
did you just do?” she asked.
“I
loaded a virus onto his computer.
W.E.R.E should have all access codes and passwords on Seguin’s computer
very shortly. When one of our agents
contacts him, he’ll be begging to switch sides just to save his sorry hide.”
She
looked at me for a moment. “So what do
we do now?”
“We’ve
get out of here.”
I
straightened and looked at the door.
Then I looked at the window. “Although
I’m not sure how.”
“You
can go. I can’t. I’ve got to wait for my pickup. That won’t happen for at least 48 hours.”
Something
occurred to me so I had to ask. “How did
you get in here anyway?”
“I
rang the bell, then shifted. Seguin
found a plant and a note from a lady admirer saying I was a gift on his
doorstep.”
“I
see.”
She
looked me straight in the eye and batted her eyelashes. “I really don’t want to
have to stay here. I thought I was going
to wilt from boredom. Not to mention
starve to death.”
“I
see.” I’m usually a bit more articulate
than that, but for some reason my mind wasn’t entirely on the
conversation. “I can fly out, but you’re
stuck here until you can be retrieved.”
“That’s
about it.”
I
heard footsteps. Seguin was coming.
“Do
you trust me?” I asked.
“Do
I have a choice?” she said and shifted.
I
scooped up the Venus flytrap on the floor and exited the room just as Seguin
was entering.
He
let out a yelp of surprise just as I cold cocked him. Seguin folded like a tent in a
windstorm. I headed for the kitchen.
Consuela
was just taking another pie out of the oven as I raced through. She shrieked and tossed the pie up into the
air.
“Aiee! It’s him again.”
I
reached out and grabbed the pie as I passed.
Bad
idea. I juggled it one handed, being
careful not to drop the plant in my other, and went out the back door. The first thing I saw as I came out the door
and down the steps was the lawn mower heading my way. Felipe’ was in hot pursuit. His eyes bugged out again. He really needed to stop doing that.
The
pie was too hot to hold, so I tossed it at him.
Roscoe Arbuckle would have been proud.
The pie caught him square in the face.
I
sped off into the woods and didn’t stop until I reached the hollow log where I’d
hidden my clothes. I set the Venus
flytrap on the ground. The flytrap
shifted, and once again I was looking at a lovely and naked woman. Not that I had any room to talk. I was as naked as the day I was born.
“I
don’t even know your name,” I said.
“What
else could it be?” She asked with a smile.
“It’s Venus.”
“I
should have known.”
We
stared at each other, maintaining eye contact I might add, although it wasn’t
easy.
“So
now what? I’ve got clothes in this
hollow log. But what about you?
She
shrugged. “I’ve got clothing, money, and
identification in a safe place, but I can’t get to it until after dark.”
“So
we’ll have to hide out here in the woods until then?”
“Something
like that,” she said, and a crooked smile appeared on her face. “Did anyone ever tell you you have a large
proboscis?”
-The End-
About the Author:
Keith
West has been a fan of the science fiction, fantasy, mystery, horror, and
historical adventure genres for more years than he's willing to admit. By day he teaches impressionable young people his bad habits (of which there
are many) and by night he tells lies for fun and profit (more fun than
profit). He commits dayjobbery in the field of Physics where in addition
to teaching he occasionally writes cross genre documents known as grant
proposals, consisting of science fiction (the proposal), fantasy (the budget),
and horror (the reviewers' comments). He and his wife make their home in
West Texas with their son (adopted from Kazakhstan) and two dogs (adopted from
the animal shelter). He denies having an addiction to using
parentheses. Keith can be found online at www.adventuresfantastic.com.
